My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
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What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!