fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
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Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep