Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.