me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
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Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Awesome parenting 😂
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please