The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
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This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Employees must applaud the planets.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!