Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
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We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.