*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
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Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.