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Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.