Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
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I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
so, is there a mister shapen head
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*