Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
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VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”