Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
You Might Also Like
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.