*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
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I see your IQ test came back negative
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Growing out my freckles.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones