cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
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Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere