Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
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Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
A fake ID that makes you younger
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.