Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
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Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
It’s a gift
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Who’s your best friend?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes