Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
You Might Also Like
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them