I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
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The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*