At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
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Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
a fate I wish upon no one
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton