You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
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[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.