Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
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Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family