Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
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Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”