daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
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Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Hotels are back
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea