Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
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When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
pat pat
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
OH. COME. ON.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.