ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
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my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.