My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
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My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
tinder is all about the long game
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.