We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
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I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Guy who likes music
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate