*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
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My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.