UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
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squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Twitter remains undefeated
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.