Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
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What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears