[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
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You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Potatoes were such a good idea
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I feel seen
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground