Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
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THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I only eat vegetarians.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?