My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
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family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
“That’s what” – She
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.