I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
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Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.