Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
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Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.