MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
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I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding