ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
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Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
🛁
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing