“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
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I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE