I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
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This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.