I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
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“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.