My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
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Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.