MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?