Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
You Might Also Like
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
There are usually two types of merchants.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.