If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
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I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
They’re the worst 😩
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.