*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
No Google it does not
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.