Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
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Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.