I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
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[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*