of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
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A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
technically true but not a great slogan
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.