[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
You Might Also Like
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense