[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
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“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.