*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
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My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Lmfaoooooo
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.